All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
