if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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