dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
