We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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