Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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