i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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