Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
