if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
