Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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