dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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