There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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