You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
