last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wanna go halves on a baby?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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