I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
