Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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