If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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