I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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