K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
