her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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