Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
