The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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