Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
