the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
