I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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