College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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