In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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