I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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