You smell like a Billy Joel song
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
