He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
