Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
