Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
