Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
