he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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