If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
