Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
