it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
