Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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