And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize