Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
