Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
