i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
