When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
