Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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