She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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