Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
