i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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