It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
