JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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