Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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