I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sarcasm needs its own font
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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