I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
