well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
