She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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