I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
