chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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